Pants 0. Shit 1.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
