there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize