I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
