We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
