go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
