I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
