I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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