Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
