It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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