I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
