I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
