Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
