tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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