We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
