he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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