he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize