I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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