my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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