God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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