i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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