how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
