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whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize