Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
