I haven't been this sober since birth.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
