my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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