I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
