Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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