You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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