dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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