Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize