why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
