I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Found the puke drawer
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
