if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
