I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
