when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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