can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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