Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
