There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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