Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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