I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
