There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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