I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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