guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
