oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
