I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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