She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize