I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
