I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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