party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize