when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i drank out of a bidet.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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