How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
