Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
