"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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