A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
