I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
