I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
