DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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