I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
