Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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