So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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