drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
