The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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