America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize