dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
