does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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