Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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