I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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