It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
