two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
