a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
