fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
MIDGETS
????
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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