Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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