I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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