Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
