I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
