I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
